Saturday, January 11, 2014

The Lessons Horses Teach You

So I got Soonie clipped last night after I rode, so now I'm sitting here on lazy Saturday with my only responsibilities today being to eat, to ride, and to sleep.  Despite the clipping, I actually managed to have a lovely evening with my boy last night (thanks to his glowing personality and my $4 disposable painter's suit/hood which meant I came home not covered in little bits of horse hair), and thought to myself before I went to bed how incredibly fortunate I am to have such a great horse in my life right now.

Yes, it's one of those posts.  You've been warned.

Several months ago I woke up to the truth that my life for the last five years had been a complete lie.  It was terrible to know that the man I had loved with everything I had for so long, thought was such a great and kind person, had been using me all along.  That he spread lies about me and our relationship in order to get more women.  That when I had only ever done things to make him happy and tried to treat him like the loving husband I had wanted him to be, I was just a pawn to him, one that was to be repeatedly used and sacrificed to satisfy his urges.  That sort of betrayal, hurt, and disappointment cannot be truly described by words, and it does not go away overnight.  I'm getting over it slowly, and I count my blessings now that I never did get to marry that man, because I was able to walk away and just worry about myself without dragging things on any longer with him.  I still have days were I just cannot comprehend the extent and depth of the deceit, and that I was that completely blind to love such a monster.

But last night I went to bed with a smile on my face because I know how unbelievably lucky I am to have this horse, at this time in my life.  I came home all those months ago after finding out and cried into Soon's neck.  I spent every free second I had at the barn with him and it made me feel so much better.  Let's face it, no one can be preoccupied when working with horses, especially one you don't know very well yet.  Those few hours of distraction were so great.  I didn't think about that man or about my situation, I just focused on the horse.  I felt like myself at the barn, the self that I had lost touch with during the previous five years of horsey hiatus.  

"Every day you save my life."
Soon has helped turn the down days into bright ones, because no matter how badly I feel about that, I know my life is blessed and that many people don't have the great things I have in my life.  He has taught me that despite what has happened, that I'm still capable of a great, deep love and that when the right man comes along, I'll be able to love him too.  It's easy to question what you want and what you're capable of after something like this.  But that little horse has shown me that I still want love, I want to find the right person who will treat me like I deserve to be treated, and I'm still able to be that great person. 

How much is that worth?  It's priceless.  He is priceless.  While I never say that I "rescued" Soon (because I bought him from a great race owner/trainer who took impeccable care of him and loved him very much, and did the right thing by this horse), I like to think that in some ways, Soon and I saved each other last summer.  We both needed something: he needed a forever home and I needed someone/something in my life that was going to make me smile. Life is good.

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