Please pray for Soonie

Sitting here at 10pm crying my eyes out.

Soon went in for emergency colic surgery on Saturday, 14 Oct.  I've been meaning to blog about it, but we've been on such an exhausting stretch since then, I've not had the energy.  That day was the most traumatic of my life.  Despite the 10cc of of IV Banamine, he was so painful he threw himself on the ground multiple times while we waited for the emergency vet to arrive.  He was covered in sweat from head to toe.  Twice he laid out flat, presumably from pain and exhaustion, and I legitimately thought he was dying in my arms.  I was crying over him, holding his head thinking he was taking his final breaths.

The driveway looked like a murder scene thanks to an impressive nosebleed from the nasogastic tubes.

We rushed him to the emergency medical center and he was in surgery shortly thereafter.  His large colon displaced and his small intestine had some twists, which they caught (presumably, anyway) before any damage set in.  I watched him walk out of the recovery room, abdomen bandaged up, and I drove home late that night with an empty trailer, still covered in his blood from my waist down.

The two weeks since has been a rollercoaster of nightmare proportions.  He seemed to be on track to come home five days later, but then had some colicky symptoms.  Then fever.  Depression.  Then fluid in his belly.  Off of the IV fluids, then back on.  Painful, then happy and bright.  For nine days I made the 3+ hour round trip and would sit with him for hours.  Or take him for hand grazing when he was well enough.  He'd have one good day, then the next one or two would be bad.  I would go from being happy and optimistic and making plans for his homecoming, to sitting alone and crying about losing him in less than a 12 hour span, many days in a row.

The day after surgery

This was such a great moment

When things were good

When things were not so good.

Then the fever came back and he has spent the last five days in isolation, where I cannot touch him or interact with him.  This has been torture.  To have him not feel well is one thing, to not be able to comfort him (and in turn, comfort myself) shattered my heart.

This reality continues to break my heart

He had what we thought was the turning point yesterday, the fever was gone and his incision infection was draining.  He came off fluids. Then today he had two colicky episodes, the drainage stopped, and the doctors are all baffled.  I can see they're getting frustrated and are sorry to not have consistent good news for me.  Today was the first real hard talk with his surgeon about how far we are going to go, and when is the right time to say enough is enough.

We're not there yet, but we're closer to that decision every time he has a set back.  And it breaks what's left of my heart.

We are going on two weeks now, and I am suffocating under a million pounds of decisions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.  Does he just need a few more days for the new antibiotics to kick in, then he'll bounce back and start his long journey to a (hopeful) full recovery?  Or are we just prolonging the inevitable?  He was dull and stocked up and is starting to shed weight and look terrible, which is crushing me on top of everything else.  I do not want to give up on him early, but I do not want him suffering, he does not deserve that.  "Better a day too early than a minute too late" they say?

I have gone beyond my years
I've wasted half my life
But I found it all in you
Did I save you?
'Cause I know you saved me too
(Stone Sour, Song #3)

I look back on this amazing year we had and I can't help but think "Was it all leading up to this?"  Were all those milestones, those achievements, those dreams come true just part of some higher plan, or does life just randomly rip what you love away for no good reason?  If not, if there's some meaning behind it...then take it.  I'd give all of it back.  Every last second.  The lessons with legends, the horse shows, the GM clinic, the Chronicle blogs, all of it.  Have it.  Just give me my horse back.

This horse has gotten me through the hardest moments of my life.  He taught me to love again.  And as I type out those words, I'm crying again.  I don't want to lose him.  I don't know if I can lose him.  Life would eventually carry on, but right now it feels like it would be so empty without him.  I have no great love for people anymore.  People let you down.  People use you.  Love is something people do when it's convenient for them.  But not him.  He's always there for me.  He has no agenda.  He's the one last thing I truly believe in anymore.

So please, please....if you have any prayers or good vibes to send his way, he needs it now more than ever.  And so do I.

This came on the radio on one trip out to visit...

I wonder, I pray
I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard living here on my own
So please come home soon
Come home, Soon

(Shedaisy, Come Home Soon)