Be Still

Missing you really hard tonight.

We Were the Lucky Ones

Dear Soonie,

Hey, Bubba....  I'm stuck here sick on my couch for the fourth straight day.  I don't know if I caught the cold from hell, if it's something more than that, or what is up because I just can't seem to shake this and I've been out of the office for the second straight day feeling like shit.  I feel so utterly useless like this.  I have probably 30 other things I could be doing right now, like answering emails, lesson planning, etc...but all I'd like to do right now is just talk to you.  So that's what I'm doing.

Overall I'm doing great.  Today is a sad day of course because I am sick and feeling sorry for myself, listening to sad songs about us and letting myself cry it out (wiping a tear off my laptop as I type this bit...).  But otherwise things are honestly really good.  Job is crazy busy but good and I like it.  I love Kentucky and my wonderful friends here.  I'm getting back into music and trying to do some things just for me, to make me happy.  I'm better with myself now than I've been since you left, and that is something I feel good about.  I'm in a really good place.  I think you'd be happy to know that.

I mean...I had to threaten him
with the Ball 'O Death to get him to
look this cute for cryin' out loud

Sig is great.  Haven't seen him much the last two weeks between work, a trip to the east coast, and now me being sick, but he's been going great and we're having a lot of fun.  Ashley did so awesome with him and she helps out now when I don't have time.  I'm sorry you never got to meet her, you would have loved her.  Sig is a total idiot and I love him for it.  He's professional undersaddle and has a great brain, works hard, but he is a goofball.  Different from you (all in good ways).  You were a goof too, but I feel like you always wore a bow tie.  So classy, all the time.  He's still the class clown type, but always shows up for me and puts a smile on my face.  Thank you for sending him to me.  We're working on building our relationship and I think he will be very special.  He's already very special to me.

I wish I could have had you both on this earth at the same time.  Mainly because I think he'd drive you NUTS.  I can see you two in the trailer, him being obnoxious and trying to steal your hay (which you had declared the one hay net in the rig to be yours and yours alone), and you pinning your ears at him.  And I'd just stand there and laugh and laugh and laugh....


Sig (Baby Sasquatch) still is almost impossible to photograph, by the way.  Maybe you can send him like a horsey heaven telegram or something to work on the photogenic-ness.  No?  Just thought I'd ask!  It is part of his charm after all.

"charm"

Most of all, I just hope Siggers gets to stick around for a good long while.  I want him to grow old and retire with a harem of mini donks.  That's my greatest regret for you.




I still can't explain all this to people and I've been struggling for words for how to describe you, your loss, and what it all means to me.  The best I can do is "I lost my soulmate," in hopes that strikes a chord with non-horse people and helps them understand the insurmountable feeling of loss and sadness when it comes to you.  It's like the loss of a beloved spouse.  That person you feel was put on this earth just for you.  That person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but accept you probably can't.

You were my person.  It's that simple.

Which sometimes makes me feel silly, especially to non-horse people who probably think you can't have that kind of connection with a horse (or the cynical ones who don't think you can have that connection with another person, either...).  But it's true.  If you could speak, we'd be that couple that finishes each others' sentences.  You bailed me out of every bad decision I made.  You looked at me a certain way and I immediately knew where that itch was where you couldn't reach.  We had entire conversations in our very own silent language.  I know we knew what the other was thinking most often.  Those are soulmates. 

For my horse friends, even "heart horse" doesn't adequately describe you.  It has to be soulmate.  That's exactly what you were to me.  Triple was my heart horse too, she did so many incredible things for me and made my dreams come true as well.  I cried (and still cry) over her.  And maybe it was because I lost her longer ago, but your loss was different.  Feels different.

Triple <3

Please tell Triple Dipple Doo I said hello, that I miss her too, and that I'm still sorry I wasn't there to say goodbye.  I hope you two are up there cribbing away next to each other.  If not, you should be.  Are there horsey cribbing lounges up there, like smoking lounges, where you sit around a fence post wearing berets and crib together?  If not, there should be.  If there was anyone who could out-crib you, it's her (love you, Doo!). I like to think you two are up there together, my two Professors, talking about the old days, teaching everyone else how it should be. 


I see you from time to time in my dreams.  I can't remember details now, but I just want to say thank you for visiting.  It always makes me feel good that day to see you and know you're still around in some way.  

I heard from Dennis back in October, just a couple weeks before that two-year mark of your passing.  He texted me out of the blue,

"Hi, this is Dennis.  Just looking back at my greatest horses how special Soon was.  I loved him with my whole heart.  You made him even better.  We have such good memories of him.  Hope your new horse is fantastic."

I texted him right back:

"Hi Dennis!  I'm glad to hear from you, I hope you are well!  Thank you for this, and thank you for everything you did for Soonie.  Thank you for loving him and giving him a new life when it was the right time. I am so grateful for you and for him.  He was and still is the best thing to ever happen to me, I think about him every day.  He made me better, made me stronger.  He really helped me achieve some of my dreams!

New horse is fantastic, but he's not Soon, no one can be. But I like to think that Soonie sent this one for me, he's another great Thoroughbred.  Sometimes I see a little bit of Soon in him.

I hope you got the photos and the articles I wrote. The Retired Racehorse Project just asked me to write for their magazine so I hope I can share more about Soonie and off track TBs.  I hope everything is going well for you!  Thank you again!"

I never heard back from him after that.  I hope he's ok.  I was just really moved by the fact he remembered and reached out.  He really loved you and I remember how he looked at you the day I visited, and was standing with you in your stall debating between you and another horse.  You put your head in my chest and there was just this look in Dennis' eyes as he looked at me and said, "I can't sell him to anyone but you." 

I don't allow myself to believe that was some sort of sales pitch.  I also don't believe the average race trainer stays in touch like he did and remembers to reach out like that, two years later.  People remember you.  People always will.  Maybe that's why I wanted to write about you in The Chronicle and everywhere else that will listen.  Those words are out there and I hope through those words you'll live forever.


It wasn't about the ribbons, who we rode with, or what we did.  All those things mean the world to me.  But most importantly, it's that you picked me up when my world fell apart back in 2013.  I barely knew you, we were new to each other, and filled that void and then some.  You made me smile again when I didn't think I could.  When I didn't want to trust anyone, you taught me to trust you.  When I didn't want to love anyone, I loved you.  You were my rock through the years.  When times were good, or bad, it didn't matter either way, because you were there and you were all I ever needed.  You were my better half, my happy, my foundation from which everything else was based.  All I needed was a sunset ride on you, on the quiet farm just the two of us, and the world was right.  You let me dream again.

I mean how can I not love life
with this NERD!??? :) <3

And maybe that's why I had the occasional day where I was angry.  It just felt so impossibly unfair.   I would think I only ever needed you in life, as long as you were with me nothing else mattered.  And then I had to let you go.  Then all the problems that happened with my family that followed afterward, life just seemed like such a fucking joke afterward I almost couldn't handle it.  It was just one heartbreak after another for a year or so after you left.

Trust me, I had many sad days not too long ago where I looked back on that night and wished with everything I had that I could lay down next to you on that cold ground, put my head on your neck like I did, close my eyes, and go with you.  I have missed you so much, and so hard, and there were days I couldn't even look at your picture without breaking down and crying uncontrollably.  Those days haven't happened in awhile, though.  I do definitely have the day here and there where I hear a sad song and look at your canvas portrait in the living room and cry a little, but these days it's more that I am grateful for you.  Grateful for our time together.  These days, I'm thankful rather than angry.  I think the incredible gift of Sig, this place, my friends, and me finding more life balance has definitely helped get me to this great place I now find myself in.  Believe it when I say life is good, and I'm thoroughly loving it.

...But damn it man, I've missed you.  There's no gravesite to visit, no place I can go to see you, except my memories.  Which at the end of the day is all I need, but it doesn't replace you.  It can't.  Nothing can.  But it's all going to be okay.  I have a new journey to enjoy with Sig, new lessons to learn, and new chapters to write.  The possibilities for the future fill me with an incredible excitement, so much that I almost can't contain that feeling.  I'm smiling right now just thinking about it!


Just to add some more levity to this, sometimes I reminisce on our more ridiculous moments and just laugh.  Remember that time you were trying to attack Z in the field because you were overly protective and he was too close to me and then you missed BIG TIME....and basically removed my shoulder blade with your teeth?  Hilarious!  

...JUST KIDDING.  This wasn't funny.

I at least appreciated that you wore your Sorry I Fucked Up REAL BAD face the next two days, it warmed my heart and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy right now that you're up there probably feeling badly about that.  I almost wanted to get those marks tattooed.  I remember hoping there was a mark of some kind for as much as that hurt, but shit son...you really outdid yourself as usual.  It looks like I got mauled by Jaws.  Badass.

Your nickname for the next few months on Facebook was in fact Jaws, by the way.  Thought you should know.  ;)

So, there it is.  I'm doing great and I need you to know.  I also needed to talk to you.  I'm sure I will write again.  I hope I see you again soon (Soon!) in my dreams.

There's a song below that just hits home with you.  It talks about how "we were the lucky ones."  And we were.  I had no business finding you, but we found each other anyway.  Made each other better, every day.  We were stronger together, because I know I was stronger with you.  But luck will leave, just as you had to.  I still hold on to your memory, the lessons I learned, how you made me feel, all of it.  I will never let you or any of that go.

Thank you, Brother.  It was the ride of a lifetime.

"Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones?
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
But luck will leave you 'cause it is a faithless friend,
And in the end, when life has got you down,
You've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.
So, hold on to me tight,
Hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together
Than we could ever be alone.
So, hold on to me,
Don't you ever let me go.
There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
But it's no one's fault, no, it's not our fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
But I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.
So, hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it'll be alright.
'Cause it's you and me together,
And, baby, all we've got is time.
So, hold on to me,
Hold on to me tonight.
There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
And with this kind of love,
And what we've got here is enough.
So, hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it'll be alright.
'Cause we are stronger here together
Than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
Don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.
They always say we were the lucky ones."